


Broken Mirror

by TheXtremeFangirl



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-03 21:28:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12155178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheXtremeFangirl/pseuds/TheXtremeFangirl
Summary: She wasn't sure why she was faced with so much conflict. Maybe it was her line of work. Maybe it was her self-diagnosed superiority complex. But deep down she knew...it had everything to do with her complicated feelings about Erin Strauss.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is my first Criminal Minds story, so please don’t judge me too hard. Constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated, but please do not be just plain rude or mean.

Alex Blake couldn’t breathe.

It had been two months since she’d returned to the BAU, which in turn was two months since she she’d been forced to face Erin again. She’d been avoiding the other woman as best as she could for those two months, but it was difficult when the woman was her boss once again. She was constantly encountering her in the hallways, the bullpen, the briefing room. It was impossible to just push their past aside and ignore her.

But what was even more difficult to ignore was the very obvious relationship the blonde had with David Rossi. Alex knew that Erin had always prided herself on being a generally discreet and private person, especially in matters pertaining to her love life.

 _Apparently a lot of things have changed_. The brunette thought bitterly, glaring up at Erin’s closed office door.

 _Stop that right now_. That was dangerous territory that she had worked very hard to lock away in the farthest, smallest corner of her mind. After their...whatever it had been, Alex had thrown herself fully into her marriage, making sure her husband knew that she loved him. And if there was a part of her that was using him as a way to get over Erin’s betrayal, well that was just another thing she pushed out of her mind.

“Alex?” The brunette’s eyes snapped up to meet Reid’s, suddenly feeling very defensive, as though he could read her thoughts.

“Yes?” she asked, trying her hardest to keep any irritation or guilt out of her voice.

“Are you alright? You’ve been staring up at Strauss’s door for a solid ten minutes.” he said, a note of worry in his voice. Alex cursed herself mentally. All of these people were profilers too, and Reid knew more about her than the others, having lectured in her classes. Honestly, why had she thought no one would notice her behavior?

“I’m fine.” she nodded. “Just lost in thought, I suppose, staring at nothing in particular.” Reid nodded, though he didn’t seem convinced.

 _It’s nobody else’s business. If I say I didn’t realize I was staring at her door, then they have no reason not to believe me_. She thought, though she knew she couldn’t ever really convince herself of that. The tension between her and Erin was hardly a secret. Everyone could feel it whenever the two of them were in the same room together. But, nevertheless, her feelings remained. It was nobody else’s business. This whole thing was between her and Erin, not that they would ever talk about it. Alex refused to talk about it. Talking about it would only bring more anger and pain.

“Briefing in ten minutes.” JJ called, breezing through the bullpen. Alex sighed, standing up. She hated herself for thinking it, but at least a new case would get her mind off of Erin. At least, that was what she thought until she walked into the briefing room and saw the blonde in question standing next to the big screen. She barely resisted the urge to turn around and flee, instead forcing herself to sit in silence in a chair as far from the other woman as possible. She stayed silent, refusing to make eye contact even as she felt Erin’s eyes on her, even as the others began to slowly file in.

 _Do not let her know where your thoughts have been_. Alex repeated the mental mantra several times, willing herself not to let anything show. Both she and Erin had always been very adept at hiding things from others. But not from each other. At least, not until the Amerithrax case. She quickly shook off that train of thought, knowing it would only lead to hostility that she wouldn’t be able to explain to the others. Finally, she forced her eyes upwards, just in time to catch a glimpse of Rossi brushing a hand against Erin’s back as he rounded the table to sit down.

She averted her eyes once more, beginning to take down notes from the screen so aggressively that the tip of her pencil broke. All eyes landed on her, but she looked up and met only Erin’s in challenge. Daring her to ask.

 _Go on. Be yourself **Chief Strauss**. Let me have it_. She thought resentfully. But Erin didn’t take the bait. The blonde let her eyes flit over the other agents before training them back on the screen, beginning the briefing as though nothing had occurred. Alex glared at the other woman’s back. _You do not get to give me nothing to hold onto. Not after what you did to me._

The briefing went fairly quickly, and Alex was the first to make her escape, hurrying to her desk to grab her go bag. They were headed to California this time, and she was thanking God that she was going to be so far from Erin for a little while. That is, until she actually got on the plane and found the other woman sitting in one of the seats in front of the table.

“I didn’t realize you would be accompanying us on this case Chief Strauss.” she forced herself to say, her tone carefully neutral. It took all of her willpower not to look away when Erin’s blue-green eyes lifted to meet her own.

“It was a last minute decision Dr. Blake.” the blonde replied evenly. “A few of the authorities in  
San Jose wanted a bureaucrat to come along for negotiation purposes as to who gets full reign over the case.” Alex frowned, though out of confusion or irritation even she couldn’t be sure.

“Why would anyone other than us have full reign over this case?” she asked. Erin raised an eyebrow, and God if that didn’t bring up plenty of memories.

“All of the victims are members of their police force. As I explained during the briefing.” she replied pointedly. Alex’s mind scrambled to figure out when that particular piece of information had been brought up and what she had been doing at the time. She realized it was probably in the small stretch of time before she’d broken her pencil. She had retained none of the information in those notes, despite having gotten a pen from Garcia and taken down the rest of the information.

“I must have missed it.” she commented casually, taking a seat close to the back of the jet. Not enough that it was going to be obvious to the others that she wanted to be away from Erin, but enough that the woman in question got the message. Erin hummed lightly, a sound that once again brought up very pleasant yet very unwelcome memories. Alex grit her teeth, forcing her attention onto her notes. It was a few more minutes filled with the light tap of Erin’s heels on the floor of the jet, a tell of impatience that Alex had actually always found to be adorable, before the rest of the team boarded. She found it was easier to simply tune them all out once it was clear they weren’t discussing the case until they got to California, and the flight commenced in relative silence.

When they arrived in California, they were pushed straight into the investigation. To her relief, she barely had to interact with Erin. She and the team were constantly out in the field, and the blonde was always in the police chief’s office trying to satisfy those higher up in the brass. The case took an entire week, but they finally caught the dirtbag who had been mutilating and murdering officers of the San Jose police. However, since it was so late, they had decided to simply stay overnight in their hotel and fly home on the jet in the morning.

Alex walked into the hotel bar, rubbing the back of her neck in an attempt to relieve the tension built up there. She rolled her head back and forth, the large knot of stress making her feel intensely uncomfortable.

“Vodka. Straight.” she requested of the bartender, sitting on a bar stool with a light groan.

“They say you should never drink alone.” The voice behind her caused Alex’s heart to race in a way she had hoped to be long gone.

“Yes well, I don’t have a drinking partner who can keep up.” she replied, turning around slowly and regretting it as soon as she did. Erin looked stunning as usual, but it was more pronounced now that they were off the job. She had chosen a long sleeve teal dress that accentuated her figure and made the blue-green of her eyes pop. Seeing her like that again made Alex remember how good Erin’s clothes had always looked on her. And how much better they looked on the floor…

 _Get ahold of yourself_. Her inner monologue snapped.

“Once upon a time I recall being able to keep up with you just fine.”

“What are you doing here Erin?” Alex asked tiredly. “And if you make some snarky comment about staying in this hotel too, I might actually spontaneously combust.” She saw a hint of smile on the blonde’s face.

“I am meeting David for dinner.” she answered. Alex hummed in an attempt to dispel the sudden and unwelcome surge of jealousy that made her chest tighten.

“Well have fun then.” she said, picking up her drink and taking a very liberal sip of it. Erin looked at her with a hint of worry but knew it was better if she didn’t push.

“Alex…” she said hesitantly, drawing the brunette’s attention. “Can we talk later? Please?” The linguist took a moment, contemplating her options. On the one hand, it was safer for her to say no. Talking about their past was bound to bring up memories that she didn’t want to relive. But it was so difficult for her to refuse Erin anything. It always had been. Which is why she found herself nodding without her mind actually giving her body consent to do so.

“I think we should.” she agreed carefully. And in that moment, she couldn’t bring herself to regret agreeing or even to think of what may happen when they truly did let those old memories come to the surface. It was worth it to see the light in Erin’s eyes that she’d desperately missed, no matter how much she told herself she hadn’t.

They talked civilly for another few minutes until Dave showed up and casually slipped an arm around Erin’s shoulders. It made Alex’s heart hurt more than she had ever known it could. And as she watched the two of them head towards the hotel’s restaurant, she felt a sense of longing that she’d previously managed to compartmentalize and ignore. In an attempt to do so once more, she went up to her room and called her husband on Skype, though she was more withdrawn than he had seen her in ages. They talked for a few hours until James had to go, and then Alex climbed into bed, her mind still on the blonde downstairs. And as she turned out the light, the brunette wondered…

What had she done to deserve so much conflict in her life?


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Alex dragged herself out of bed at five in the morning, cursing Hotch for making them get up so early the morning after solving a huge case. She dressed as quickly as her sluggish mind would allow her without coffee and then headed to the jet so she could get a seat and go back to sleep.

“You know, if I didn’t know better, I would think you were doing this on purpose.” she muttered when she got on and found Erin already there once again. Erin glanced up at her with a questioning look. “This is the third, no fourth, time that I have gone somewhere I didn’t expect to see you only for you to be there. First it was the briefing room, then it was the jet on the way here, then it was the hotel bar, now it’s here.”

“I can assure you that I am not following you if that’s what you’re implying.” the blonde replied, somewhat defensively. Alex rolled her eyes.

“I was kidding Erin.” she muttered, dropping into a seat and leaning her head against the back of it. Her eyes closed, and a soft sigh escaped her. She could hear the others starting to climb onto the plane, but she couldn’t bring herself to say something or to even open her eyes. She was completely drained, and her nerves about meeting up with Erin later were not helping at all. So as the engine began to rumble from being crunk and the jet began to taxi down the runway, she let the white noise lull her to sleep.

_ Alex pulled into the familiar driveway with a feeling of determination that she hadn’t felt in quite a long time. But there was also some apprehension there. The last time she’d been to this house, there had been tears, heartache, and pain, not to mention plenty of yelling and cursing. That had been the last time she’d seen Erin before returning to the BAU. She wasn’t sure what would happen this time. The circumstances were completely different, and yet the brunette didn’t know how this was going to go. _

_ She got out of the car anyway. She walked purposefully up the drive and climbed the stairs before knocking sharply three times. Holding her breath, she waited. The sound of high heels was faint behind the door but grew louder as the house’s occupant approached. And when the door finally swung open, she started to get nervous again. To her credit, Erin didn’t comment on it. _

_ “Alex?” she questioned. _

_ “Can I come in? Just for a minute?” the linguist requested, pleased when the blonde opened the door further and stepped aside without hesitation. _

_ “Are you alright?” Erin asked, a little alarmed at seeing the normally calm and cool brunette so flustered. _

_ “Yes...no...I don’t know.” Alex answered, the slightest bit of frustration coloring her tone. “I knew what I was going to say when I came, but now that I’m here, it’s all gone.” Erin frowned, her brow furrowing in confusion. _

_ “I don’t understand.” she shook her head. “I thought you wanted to keep our distances?” The brunette stayed silent for a few moments, trying to recall what she’d been planning to say. However, after a few moments with no results, she gave up. _

_ “Screw it.” she muttered, stepping forward and kissing the blonde with a passion both of them had never believed they would have again. It didn’t take long for Erin to respond, kissing her back with just as much passion. They started out with Alex simply pinning her to the wall, but eventually they stumbled their way upstairs. They fell onto the bed, and Alex began trailing kisses down the blonde’s neck as she straddled her, paying special attention to her pulse point. She heard Erin’s breath catch, as it always had whenever Alex had kissed any of her pulse points. The blonde whimpered quietly, a sound no one would have ever associated with the formidable Erin Strauss, when Alex sat up slightly. The brunette in question let out a breathy laugh at the sound. She opened her mouth to say something but was prevented from doing so by Erin yanking her down for another kiss. _

_ However, it was around that moment that Alex began to feel different. Her mind began to get fuzzy, and she couldn’t move or speak. She tried to speak, to beg Erin to help her, to do something. But it was impossible. She felt a tug at her navel, and before she knew it, she couldn’t see Erin anymore. She couldn’t feel her, and the room was beginning to disappear. _

“Erin!” Alex sat up so fast she nearly gave herself whiplash. She looked around the jet, catching glimpses of her sleeping co-workers in the faint orange lights from above them. Her heart was racing, and she was sure her face was flushed as her eyes finally landed on the blonde who had been occupying her thoughts for weeks. For a moment, she was terrified that they had all heard her yelling out for their boss, but every one of them remained dead to the world. All except for Erin. The blonde was slowly stirring in her spot tucked into Dave’s side, but Alex was mostly confident that it was from the volume at which she had shouted rather than  _ what _ .

“Alex?” Erin questioned, her eyes still half closed and her voice still holding remnants of sleep.

“Go back to sleep Erin.” the linguist sighed tiredly, bringing a hand up to rub her forehead in frustration. Of course, however, the blonde was stubborn as usual and sat up the rest of the way anyway, gently pushing Dave’s arm off of her shoulders.

“What’s wrong? I heard you yelling.” she said, loud enough that the brunette could hear but quiet enough that she wouldn’t wake the others. Alex felt it was miracle that her own yelling hadn’t woken them.

“Nothing’s wrong. It was just a dream.” she replied. “Go back to sleep.” Erin shook her head, and though she wanted to be annoyed, Alex was secretly elated that the blonde still cared enough to know she was lying and that she wanted to be sure the brunette was alright.

“I know things are still difficult between us right now, but you know I know you better than that. What happened?” Erin pressed. Alex debated with herself. She could either continue to lie and keep her distance, or she could finally take a small step towards allowing the blonde to make amends and tell her about the dream...twisting it, that is. She took a deep breath and let herself fall without thinking about it.

“I had a dream. And in the dream, I was trying to talk to someone. But I didn’t know what to say. So I didn’t say anything. I just let myself feel. And it was going...extremely well. But I started to feel weird, and the room started to change, and then I woke up. Honestly, I think I’m just a little disoriented because it felt so real.” she explained vaguely, letting her eyes fall to the floor. She heard Erin moving but was too afraid to look up. The seat next to her dipped slightly, and she felt Erin’s hand cover her own. Only then did she gather the courage to look into her former...whatever’s eyes. The blue-green eyes that had haunted her dreams for over a decade.

“Do you want to talk about it?” the blonde asked softly. Alex shook her head.

“No. But...thank you.” she replied, offering a tentative olive branch.

“Of course.” Erin nodded. “I know there’s still quite a lot to work through between us, but I hope you know you can still talk to me.”

“I know that.” Alex said, and surprisingly, she meant it. Despite everything that had happened between them, she had always known that she could talk to Erin about her problems without being judged. It was unexpectedly easy to simply sit there and talk to the blonde the rest of the way back to Quantico, and by the time the others woke up, the two of them were talking and laughing like they used to.

It was almost enough to make Alex forget just how imperative it was that she stay away from Erin.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little shorter than I wanted, but I hope it's still okay.

Erin wasn’t sure what she’d expected after the trip back to Quantico. But what she hadn’t expected was for the shaky half-truce she and Alex had  _ finally _ forged to crumble and their relationship to return to the cold shoulder avoidance that it had been when Alex had first arrived. When the others had woken up, Alex had slightly withdrawn into herself, and so Erin had assumed she was simply uncomfortable trying to mend their friendship, because whether they wanted to admit it or not, they  _ had _ been friends at one point even before their whatever it was, in front of the others. So, she’d gone to sit back next to David, though keeping it as professional as possible, which she knew had likely confused him. They hadn’t been strictly professional in front of the team in months.

But with Alex finally showing some kind of emotion other than indifference towards her, feelings she had worked very hard to push down had risen up and completely submerged her heart within them. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she couldn’t bring herself to be even a little romantic with him in that moment.

They arrived home that afternoon, and since it was already Thursday, she gave them the next three days off. But when they all returned to work the following Monday, it was as if nothing had changed. Alex avoided her as much as possible, and any conversations they were forced to have were carefully indifferent or neutral and strictly about work. The blonde was annoyed and frustrated by the steps backwards, but even more than that, she was sad. She had hoped to repair her relationship with the linguist, and her feelings seemed to be projecting onto her relationship with David.

She was becoming more withdrawn with him, and it was leading to fights she knew could have been avoided if she would just open up and tell him what was bothering her. And she wanted to, really she did, at least on some level. But if she did, that would mean admitting to herself that Alex still had enough power over her to make her feel this way, and she wasn’t ready for that. Not if they were going to keep going this way.

For tonight, however, she and David were on tentatively good terms. She was trying to rein in her emotions so that things would start to get better, and for the most part it was working. She stepped out of her office, intent upon going downstairs to find out if the team had received a case, but she stopped on the landing upon catching sight of Alex and her husband in the bullpen.

“I’m glad you’re home, but I can’t just drop everything at work to come home and see you.” She heard Alex say lowly. The rest of the team didn’t seem to be anywhere nearby, and it was at that point that Erin realized it was later than she’d thought.

“We haven’t seen each other in weeks Alex.” James was saying. “And this place is deserted. Are you seriously telling me you can’t leave your paperwork until tomorrow?”

“I would prefer to get it done now so that if we catch a case tomorrow, I won’t be running behind! I would think you could understand that.” came Alex’s sharp reply.

“This is ridiculous!”

“The way you’re acting is ridiculous.” She heard James growl lowly before seeing him throw his hands up in frustration and storm out without another word. Alex sighed heavily before looking up and catching Erin’s eye. The brunette scoffed and shook her head before sitting down at her desk and resuming her work with more force than was strictly necessary. Erin slowly descended the stairs and tentatively approached Alex’s desk.

“I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop.” Alex looked up, a blank look on her face.

“Can we please not do this?” she asked. Erin’s expression took on a frustrated nature, which surprised the brunette. The other woman generally didn’t like to show her emotions. But just as quickly as it had appeared, the expression was gone, replaced by the blonde’s normal mask of indifference.

“Very well.” she said, turning to go back up to her office. Alex sighed, contemplating whether or not she should try to salvage the situation. In the end, she decided that it would be better for both of them if she didn’t. She could try to fix whatever was going on with James, and Erin could focus on her own relationship.

Erin went back up to her office, frustrated and sad. But she wouldn’t beg. She wouldn’t fight. She had tried to apologize, she had tried to make amends, and Alex had completely rejected all of her attempts. Maybe seeing David would ease the sharp sting of rejection. She packed up her things and left the building, trying her hardest to ignore the fact that Alex was still at her desk. She drove to David’s house, which was where she’d been spending most of her time lately, and went inside, dropping her keys in the bowl next to the door.

“Dave?” she called.

“In here!” She followed his voice to the living room, dropping onto the couch next to him.

“Is everything okay?” he asked her.

“Difficult day at work, I suppose.” she sighed as he placed an arm over the back of the couch.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” she shook her head. “I just want to feel.” And with that they were kissing. Her jacket and heels were off within a matter of seconds. And if she was imagining it was Alex she was following up to bed, well, that was her secret to keep.

The next morning, the two of them arrived at work together. They’d slept together again that morning, so they were late enough that a case had come up. They hurried to the briefing room, where Penelope had already started giving the rundown on everything they had. Erin avoided looking at Alex, but she knew the brunette would know what she had been up to. She half-listened to Garcia explaining the case, her eyes occasionally flitting over to Alex. The brunette was completely focused for the first time in weeks, and she was taking notes vigorously. Erin could already see the gears turning in the other woman’s mind, working to profile the sick bastard that was doing all this.

Eventually, however, the briefing was over, and they all stood to prepare for their trip to Oklahoma. All except for Erin. She had no reason to go with them this time.

“Not accompanying us Chief Strauss?” Alex asked neutrally, not looking up from gathering her things.

“Not this time Dr. Blake.” Erin replied coolly.

_ Good. You’re back to yourself. _ Alex thought, barely glancing up at the other woman. But even as she thought the words, she couldn’t help making a snarky comment. “That’s probably a good thing. You look like you had a long night last night.” Erin’s eyes snapped up to meet hers. There was a hint of something in the brunette’s dark eyes that she couldn’t quite identify.

“I did actually.” she replied, much to the linguist’s surprise. However, she decided it was better to just leave it alone. The brunette walked out of the room without another word, leaving the blonde frustrated once more, which she was fairly sure showed when she followed Alex out of the room. She was so wrapped up in her frustration that she didn’t even notice David watching them both as they went their separate ways. The Italian agent waited until the others were already headed out to the jet before approaching Alex’s desk.

“We need to talk.” he told her, making the brunette look up at him in slight surprise.

“Okay…” she said. “About what?”

“I want you to stay away from Erin.”


	4. Chapter 4

Alex stared at Rossi for a minute, trying to comprehend if she had actually heard him correctly or if it was her imagination turning everything into something to do with Erin and trying to decide how to respond. Finally, she settled on:

“I beg your pardon?”

“I want you to stay away from Erin.” Dave repeated. “All the stress that’s coming from all the tension between you two isn’t good for her.” Alex narrowed her eyes at him.

“What are you implying?” she asked with barely concealed anger.

“I don’t want all this stress to cause her to have a relapse.” The brunette glared at him, not even trying to hide how angry she was anymore.

“No one wants her to have a relapse, but anything I throw at her is well-deserved. She’s a big girl, and she can handle it.” she snapped, not realizing Erin had stepped out onto the landing above them at the sound of voices beginning to be raised. Rossi shook his head, making her feel like he was patronizing her.

“I know the whole story-” he began. However, he didn’t get the chance to finish before Alex cut him off.

“No, you don’t. There is not a single other person who knows the whole story of what she did to me. And you know what? It’s none of yours or anyone else’s damn business! What happened is between me and her. You may be screwing her, but that does not entitle you to know everything about her or her past, especially the part of it that involves me!” she growled angrily. She turned, glaring up at Erin when she realized the blonde had been listening, and stormed out of the bullpen, presumably to go to the jet. Dave sighed, shaking his head once more before looking up at Erin himself. The blonde was walking downstairs now, an unreadable look on her face.

“Erin-” he started.

“Don’t.” she said lowly. “It wasn’t your place.”

“I was just trying to help. Erin, I don’t want anything to push you too far, especially not someone like her.”

“Someone like her?” Erin asked. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Rossi stared at her for a moment, confused as to why the blonde was getting so defensive over Alex Blake.

“Jesus, I don’t know Erin. She’s so strong-willed. She’s stubborn, and she’s holding a grudge about a demotion that occurred over a decade ago!” he answered, starting to get frustrated.

“And she has every right to.” Erin said sharply. “She’s right. You don’t know the whole story about what happened, and I am a big girl. I can fight my own battles.”

“Why are you taking her side?” Dave asked.

“Because I know her. And I know that her anger is justified. I may not like it, but it’s true.” she replied. “You better go. They’re waiting for you.” Without another word, she turned and headed back towards the stairs. Rossi threw his hands up before heading out to the jet himself. Alex was involved in a discussion with Derek, whom she had surprisingly grown quite close to, and didn’t even look in his direction. He shook his head, dropping down into a seat next to Hotch and beginning a conversation about the case.

The case only took three days, and Alex couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so drained after so short a case. In the back of her mind, she knew it had a lot to do with her conversation with Rossi before they’d left. She threw her bag down on her desk with a huff, glad that everyone else had decided to go on home. She sighed heavily, starting to regret her own decision to go ahead and do her paperwork. On a whim, her eyes flicked up to Erin’s office door. There was a light coming from underneath it, and she felt her feet start moving towards the stairs without her consent.

When she heard the blonde’s voice call for her to come in after she knocked, she twisted the knob and stepped inside, shutting the door softly behind her. Erin had her head bent over a stack of files, her reading glasses perched on the end of her nose. Alex wasn’t prepared for the surge of arousal that seeing the blonde that way again brought. Especially when Erin finally realized that her visitor hadn’t spoken and looked up at her.

“Dr. Blake?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. Alex cleared her throat, pushing away her inappropriate and unwelcome thoughts. She stepped forward.

“Can we talk for a few minutes?” Erin waved her hand at the chairs in front of her desk, and Alex sat down.

“What is it that you wanted to speak about?” the blonde questioned, pushing her glasses upwards.

“I really don’t know.” Alex replied, pushing her hair out of her face.

“Am I to assume you just wanted to waste both our our times then?”

“For God’s sake Erin, could you not be a bitch tonight? It doesn’t work on me anyway, and you know it.” the brunette said in an irritated tone. “I’m trying, okay? It’s hard, and it’s slow going, but I  _ am _ trying.” Erin sighed quietly, removing her glasses.

“I know, I know.” she replied. “I’m sorry. And I’m sorry about what David said to you before you all left.” Alex shook her head.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” she said. “I said what I needed to. Talking about it will only lead to a fight, and that’s not what I came up here for.” She watched as the blonde leaned back in her chair.

“Then what _ did _ you come up here for Alex?” she asked in a tone that was subtly sultry. The linguist stood up, trailing her fingers along the cherry wood of Erin’s desk as she began to slowly walk around it. She knew she was toeing a dangerous line as she moved to sit on the edge of the desk beside Erin’s chair, the blonde’s eyes following her every move, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop.

“I want to try being friends again. No matter how angry I was, and maybe even still am, I’ve missed my best friend.” she answered softly, not quite sure how she felt when Erin’s eyes met hers.

“I’ve quite missed mine as well.”

They talked for a few more minutes and decided on having lunch or dinner a few times a week as a trial run to see if things really could be worked out. Surprisingly, it was working, so long as they didn’t discuss Amerithrax or their past relationship. But even though they weren’t talking about it, Alex could feel her feelings of anger starting to dissipate simply by making an effort to be friends with the blonde again. And although it was liberating to be letting go of the feelings that had been making her miserable for so long, she wasn’t quite sure how she felt about a simple smile from the blonde being able to disarm every defense she had put in place over the time they’d been apart.

Currently, they were having dinner at Erin’s house. It had been ages since Alex had seen the place, but she remembered every detail, despite the fact that a lot of things had changed since the last time.

Erin had gone into the kitchen to make coffee, so when she heard the front door open, Alex immediately tensed up. The only two people that would be entering Erin’s house this late would be David or an intruder. She wasn’t sure which was worse at this point. She and David hadn’t spoken apart from work related matters since their fight about Erin, and Alex didn’t want to have a repeat of that incident. She contemplated how wise it would be to make a run for the back door but was kept from making a decision on that front when the one person she did not want to see walked into the room.

“What are you doing here?” David asked, frowning slightly.

“Erin invited me.” she replied stiffly. The blonde in question returned from the kitchen a moment later, stopping when she saw the new visitor.

“Oh. David, I didn’t know you were coming over tonight.” she said, handing Alex a mug.

“I wanted to surprise you. Since there’s been so much going on at work, we haven’t seen each other in a while.”

“I should probably go.” Alex put in, standing up. “Thank you for dinner Erin. I’ll see you later.” She quickly gathered her things and left the house, leaving Erin and David in a somewhat tense standoff.

“She’s my friend David.” Erin finally said, turning to clear the dishes.

“I know that.”

“Then stop looking at me like that.”

“I don’t think she’s good for you.”

“That is not for you to decide.” Erin snapped, walking into the kitchen to put the dishes away. David followed, wanting to get through to her somehow.

“I realize that, but I still don’t think being around her is good for you. The tension is palpable when you two are in the same room together, and everyone can feel it. It’s not healthy.” he told her.

_ Oh if you only knew. _ The blonde thought before speaking again. “It is not anyone else’s business. As she clearly told you the other day, this is between the two of us.” David sighed in frustration, his hands on his hips as he looked at the floor before voicing his next thought.

“I won’t watch her push you to the edge Erin.” She stared at him for a moment, trying to decide if he was trying to say what she thought he was.

“You want me to choose.” she stated flatly. “Between the two of you.” He looked up at her, his eyes showing pain, yet determination.

“I don’t know what else to do.” he replied.

“You could start by trusting my self-control.” Erin snapped.

“I trust you.” Dave assured her. “It’s her I don’t trust.” She shook her head, in disbelief that they were  _ actually _ having this conversation.

“You say you want me to choose, but you won’t like my choice.” she said finally. She could see the disappointment, and possibly some anger as well, in his eyes, but the rest of his features remained neutral. Without a word, he left the kitchen.

The front door slammed behind him.


	5. Chapter 5

Erin fell into a routine after she and David split up. She and Alex had dinner every Friday night unless there was a case taking up the brunette’s time, and they had lunch on Mondays and Wednesdays. The rest of the week was spent working or reading a book until she fell asleep.

She and David were somewhat cordial at work whenever they had to interact. The others constantly looked like they wanted to ask questions but refrained from doing so. She wasn’t sure if they knew the two of them had broken up or if they simply thought they were having a fight. She hadn’t said anything about it to Alex, and the brunette hadn’t asked.

Erin was currently waiting for the other woman to come upstairs and let her know if she was going to be able to go out for dinner that night. She looked up when the brunette finally knocked and entered the office without waiting for an answer, just as she had back before Amerithrax.

“Hey.” she said, moving to sit in one of the chairs in front of the desk.

“Hey.” Erin replied, setting her pen down and taking off her glasses. “Any new cases?” Alex shook her head.

“Nope. And Hotch has released us for the night.” she answered. “So, I was thinking we could go out for dinner...to Monet’s.” The blonde sat back slightly in her chair. They hadn’t been to Monet’s since before Amerithrax. In fact, the last time had been right before, on their...she wasn’t sure it was safe to call it an anniversary. It would only remind her of how real the feelings had been. And how royally she had screwed it up.

“Oh?” she asked casually. “We haven’t been there in a while.” She regretted the words as soon as she saw the pain enter Alex’s brown eyes. Her mind scrambled to come up with something to say, something to salvage the conversation, but the brunette straightened up and hid the pain once more.

“No, we haven’t.” she agreed quietly. “But I think it’s time to try putting the bad memories to rest and to not let the painful ones keep us from repairing our friendship.” Erin nodded, reflecting on the other woman’s separation of “bad” and “painful”. She wondered which category their whatever it was truly fell under for the brunette. Did she look back on memories of their good times together with sorrow  _ and _ fondness? Did she look back on them with anger like she did the betrayal? Did she ever think about them at all anymore? She shook her head to rid herself of those thoughts, pushing herself to stand as Alex did the same.

“Then let’s go.” she finally agreed, grabbing her jacket and bag. Alex nodded, stepping around the chairs and towards the door. The brunette could feel David watching them from the bullpen. He had elected to stay a little later than the others in order to finish paperwork. She, for one, thought that was complete and utter bullshit. He had stayed to talk to Erin.

She wasn’t sure what was going on with the two of them. They’d been distant with one another ever since he’d found them at Erin’s house two weeks earlier. But, for once, she couldn’t read the blonde. Even after the time that had passed between her demotion and her return, Erin was like an open book to her, despite the woman’s desperate attempts to hide everything. But this time was different. Erin was making even more of a conscious effort not to let her see what was going on, and it bothered her more than she was willing to admit. But she tried to let it go. She knew she and the blonde still had a lot to work through, and it was Erin’s right to keep whatever she wanted to herself.

But it was still frustrating as hell.

She got into her car and gripped the steering wheel tightly, blowing out a frustrated breath.

“Why the hell can’t my life be normal?” she laughed without any humor before pulling out of her parking space and heading for the restaurant. It only took about twenty minutes to get there, but she was a bundle of nerves, and she didn’t understand why. She and Erin were slowly becoming friends again, and they’d been here hundreds of times before. Of course, that had been when they’d been whatever they were. Things were different now….at least that’s what she told herself as she entered the restaurant and saw Erin sitting at a table in the corner, her face lit only by the soft candlelight of the restaurant.

_ She’s your boss. And you are married. And she already broke your heart once. _ She reminded herself. Not that it would do any good. The feelings she had worked so hard to cage and push into the furthest, darkest corner of her mind had busted out and were running wild throughout her whole body no matter what she did or said, and the brunette could tell that they weren’t going to stop any time soon. Nevertheless, she approached the table and offered the blonde a tired smile as she sat down.

“It hasn’t changed much.” she commented lightly, pushing her hair back behind her ear.

“No, but they did finally reupholster the furniture.” Erin hummed, a hint of a smile gracing her face. It had been a running joke between the two of them that their favorite secluded restaurant had been in need of a serious reupholstering job, despite the fact that it was one of the fanciest restaurants in town, albeit a bit obscure. The brunette laughed quietly, her nerves starting to dissipate. For a brief few seconds, she wondered if this really had been a good idea. Going to a restaurant she and Erin had gone to whenever they were whatever they were was bound to end in disaster. But as she saw the light in the blonde’s eyes, the spark of happiness that she hadn’t seen very much of in her time back, she pushed those thoughts away and decided to enjoy the warmth the feelings brought while it lasted.

“I’ve really missed this.” she said truthfully after setting the menu down. She saw Erin’s eyes soften, and her smile grow a bit weaker.

“I have too.” the blonde replied softly. She felt the need to say something more but was kept from doing so by the appearance of a waitress. It was just her luck that it was the same waitress they’d always had.

“Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen the two of you in here.” the woman commented, pulling her order pad out of her apron pocket.

“Extenuating circumstances Olivia.” Alex said, giving a smile that was tinged with sadness. The younger woman nodded in understanding.

“It’s nice to have you both back. What can I get for you? The usual?” she asked, her pen poised to write.

“Yes please, but uh, water rather than vodka for me.” Erin replied.

“Water for me too.” Alex added, silencing Erin’s attempts at protesting with a look. Olivia nodded, scribbling down their orders and then going to submit them to the kitchen.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Erin said once the girl was gone.

“I know that. I know that you’re strong enough to handle it, but I don’t want any alcohol tonight. It’s been a long time since we’ve sat in this restaurant together and were just us, and I don’t want anything altering the way I remember it.” Alex replied without missing a beat. It wasn’t what she’d planned to say, but it was the truth, and it was worth the momentary heart attack to see the look on the blonde’s face. They moved on to lighter conversation before either of them could contemplate the true meaning behind the brunette’s explanation. They were able to keep it light for a while, but after so long, the light conversation topics ran dry. For a few minutes, they ate their newly delivered meals in silence.

“James has left again.” Alex finally spoke up, taking a sip of her water. “He’s gone to Nigeria this time.”

“Did you two ever...make up after your fight the other day?” Erin asked cautiously, trying to get a feel for how the brunette would react to the reminder.

“Sort of. I went home that night, and he acted like nothing had happened. I didn’t want to get in another fight, so I did the same.” Alex answered. “It’s probably not the most efficient way of doing things, but it’s working for now.”

“Alan and I used to do things that way too. I would go home and pick a fight with him after a frustrating day, and we’d go off in separate rooms. By dinnertime, we both acted like it hadn’t happened. I’m not very proud of how I handled myself back then.” the blonde said, casting her eyes towards the table. She looked up when Alex’s hand covered hers gently.

“Things are different now. You’re different.” the brunette said softly. Against her better judgement, she allowed her heart to rule her body and entwined their fingers.

“We tried to make it work after Amerithrax.” Erin admitted quietly. “But I felt so awful about what I did that the drinking got worse and worse until he and the kids couldn’t take it anymore. The divorce was finalized seven years ago, and we didn’t even really speak to one another until I finally got sober a little over a year ago. We’re on better terms now, and the kids are starting to come around again too.” Alex nodded, gently squeezing the blonde’s hand.

“I’m glad you’re doing better.” she said sincerely. She had known back then that Erin’s drinking was starting to get out of hand, but she hadn’t felt it was her place to say anything. She had expressed her concerns once, not long after the two of them had gotten out of the academy, and Erin had dismissed them. Alex had let it drop, not wanting to hurt their friendship and then later their whatever it was. She wished now that she had pushed the blonde back then. Maybe her problem wouldn’t have gotten so bad.

_ But then neither would her marriage. If you had pushed, she would’ve gotten help, and she wouldn’t be divorced. No divorce means no chance with her for you. _ That voice in the back of her mind pointed out, the voice that came more from her heart than her mind. She shook her head slightly, trying to get rid of those thoughts. She was still married, and it wasn’t fair to James to be thinking that way about someone else. Besides, that was all over now and had been for ten years. It was time to let it go, just like she’d told Erin earlier.

_ But is that really what you want? _ The voice whispered.  _ Do you really want to let this go? Let  _ **_her_ ** _ go? _

That was one question her mind couldn’t answer.


	6. Chapter 6

She should’ve been expecting the other shoe to drop. For something to happen that would remind her of just why she had been so angry with Erin in the first place. She should’ve been expecting it, but she hadn’t been, and that was her own fault for letting herself get caught up in the feelings Erin still stirred up within her.

It was a routine thing, the higher ups visiting the bureau to see how Erin was running things. But, of course, they couldn’t have come while the team was out on a case or stayed in the blonde’s office. No, they had to come while there was nothing but paperwork to do, and they had to take a walk down through the bullpen. She tried to keep her head down and ignore them, but it was no use. They were the same higher ups that had decided upon her demotion, and they stopped by her desk immediately upon recognizing her.

“Why, Dr. Blake. I wasn’t aware you had returned to the BAU.” one man commented, a slight look of disdain upon his face. She arranged her features into a neutral expression, setting her pen down on her desk.

“A few months ago, yes.” she answered.

“Still calling yourself a linguist?” the other questioned patronizingly. Alex narrowed her eyes, ignoring the pleading looks Erin sent her way.

“One mistake in years of linguistics does not change the fact that I  _ am _ a linguist. And I always will be.” she replied indignantly.

“A mistake that nearly cost the bureau one of the biggest cases it has ever received.” the first man said sharply. “Your incompetence-” Erin stepped forward as soon as the words were out of the man’s mouth.

“That’s quite enough.” she told him. “That linguistics mistake was not entirely her fault, it was mine. She tried to tell me we had the wrong person, but I wouldn’t listen. I never should have let her take the blame for it.” Alex stared up at her in disbelief, but the blonde wasn’t paying any attention to her.

“You mean to tell me that Dr. Blake was not responsible for the arrest of the wrong suspect during the Amerithrax case?” the second man demanded. “Why were we not informed at the time?”

“Because I was selfish. I didn’t want my career to be jeopardized, so I threw her under the bus to save my own ass. It was wrong, and there’s only one thing in my life that I regret more.” Erin answered, holding the men’s eyes.

“This is very serious Chief Strauss.” the first man said gravely. “We need to have an extensive conversation about what to do about this.”

“It was ten years ago. There’s nothing to do.” David stepped forward. “There’s no need to hurt her career ten years after the incident.”

“No, they’re right.” Erin argued, giving him a look. “It’s far past time for me to face the consequences of my actions. Gentlemen, we can talk in my office.” The two men gave single nods, turning and marching towards the stairs. Erin made to do the same but was stopped when Alex grabbed her wrist.

“Erin,” she hissed, not caring that the team was now seeing the lack of formality between the two, “What the  _ hell _ did you just  _ do _ ?” The others watched in fascination as formidable Chief Strauss’s eyes softened as she looked at the linguist.

“What I should have done ten years ago.” she replied. And with that, she gently dislodged her wrist from Alex’s grip and headed up to her office.

“Congratulations.” David snapped after Erin was out of earshot. “You’ve ruined her career ten years after the damn case even happened.” Alex glared at him fiercely, pushing herself to stand.

“I didn’t ask her to do that.” she growled. “I’ve been trying to let that case go because she’s my friend. Contrary to your beliefs  _ Agent Rossi _ , you’re not the only one in this building that gives a damn about her!” The rest of the team watched in morbid fascination as the interaction took place.

“You didn’t even look at her twice a few weeks ago unless it was to glare at her when you thought no one was watching!” Dave argued.

“People get in fights, it’s natural.” the linguist countered. “Considering the way  _ you _ have been interacting with her lately, I would think you’d know that.” She felt an inward sense of satisfaction when she saw the hint of defeat in his eyes. So she was right, they were fighting. But were they broken up?

“Not for ten years  _ Dr. Blake _ .” the Italian agent quickly recovered. “And what goes on between the two of us is none of your business.”

“Doesn’t feel so good to have the shoe on the other foot, now does it?” Alex replied, shoving her chair underneath her desk and grabbing her jacket. Dave stayed silent, knowing she was right as she turned and headed for the elevator. She pressed the button, blowing out a tired and frustrated breath as she pulled her hair out of her jacket and ran her hands through it. When the elevator car finally arrived, she stepped inside, leaning against the wall and putting her head all the way back as her eyes closed. However, she heard someone else slip inside just before the doors closed. She hadn’t been paying attention to the footsteps, so she wasn’t quite sure who it was, but at the moment she really didn’t care either. That is, until that person spoke.

“Cutting out early today?” The brunette’s eyes snapped open and she immediately stood straight upon hearing the teasing note in Erin’s voice.

“Are you?” she countered, at a loss for what else to say. The blonde shrugged slightly.

“I’ve been put on temporary suspension.” she answered casually. Alex blinked, attempting to process that information.

“You’ve been  _ what now _ ?” she asked. She knew she sounded far less intelligent than she was, but she couldn’t help it. She was shocked and dumbfounded as to what was happening.

“I’ve been put on temporary suspension.” Erin repeated patiently. “Until they decide what to do about the part I played in Amerithrax.” Alex shook her head.

“I can’t believe you did that.” she muttered. “Erin, it’s been ten years. There was no point.”

“I disagree. You didn’t deserve to take the blame for something that was my fault. Alex, ever since I started the program, I’ve been taking the easy way to recovery. Of course, recovery is anything but easy, but what I mean is that I don’t feel I’ve been putting in the amount of effort required to truly make amends for everything I’ve done. Out of everyone, you are the one I feel I wronged most. What I did to you was the one thing I talked about in every single meeting I went to, even if it was just a reference. Like I said earlier, it’s time for me to face the consequences of my actions.” The brunette stared at the other woman for a few minutes as they stood in silence. Her heart was yelling at her, trying harder than ever to make her abandon any semblance of an emotional wall and let herself feel whatever it was she felt.

She felt herself stepping closer to Erin, her hand reaching out to push a stray lock of blonde hair away from the other woman’s face. The blonde turned her head, her blue-green eyes meeting Alex’s brown, and for a second they were in their own world.

Until the elevator dinged.

They both jumped apart, rushing to look normal as the doors slid open. They avoided eye contact with those waiting to enter as they got off. No words were spoken until they reached the car park.

“Are we still on for dinner tomorrow night?” Alex asked, thinking that perhaps it was best to pretend the elevator exchange hadn’t happened. It seemed Erin agreed when she answered with:

“Of course. See you tomorrow.” They parted ways, and as Alex got into her car, she had only one thought.

_ I’m completely screwed. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure how things like that work or if there would be consequences so long after the incident occurred, but I had a request to see Erin putting in a little more effort to make amends for what happened, and I wasn’t sure how to do that, so this is what I came up with. Let me know what you think!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a small jump to the next day at the beginning, but I hope you all enjoy this chapter!

 

Alex glanced at the clock, trying to judge what time was appropriate for someone to begin getting ready for dinner with a friend. A totally and completely platonic friend.

_ A friend you used to screw on an almost daily basis. _

She immediately went to her kitchen after that particular thought decided to enter her head, pouring a glass of wine and downing it. She wasn’t sure what was going to come from Erin’s actions the previous day, but what she did know was that she wasn’t angry anymore.

It wasn’t just the obvious possibility of the blonde losing her job, it was everything else. They’d been doing well, not referencing Amerithrax very often, and Alex had felt her anger dissipating more and more with every moment spent with the other woman. It hadn’t taken very long for the brunette to realize just how much she really had missed spending time with Erin. They generally never ran out of things to talk about, and every conversation was riveting, sometimes even turning into friendly debates that she greatly enjoyed.

But letting go of the anger was dangerous. It made more room for feelings she had never quite managed to keep locked in their cage. Feelings that were getting stronger and stronger every day no matter how hard she tried to push them back into their cage.

But that was a problem for another day. Right now, she had finally deemed it an appropriate time to start getting ready without having to acknowledge the excitement growing within her. She went into her closet, searching through outfit after outfit trying to figure out what was the right thing to wear for a semi-formal dinner out with a...whatever. Eventually, however, she chose a simple red dress that was a good mix of modest and provocative. She did her hair in a simple updo and applied some light makeup. She began to look herself over in the mirror but startled when she heard the door open and close downstairs.

James wasn’t supposed to be home for another week at the least, and no one else had a key to the house. She sprinted across the room as quietly as possible and snatched her gun from under her pillow, checking to make sure the safety was off. She quickly slipped into the bathroom, closing the door until it was open only a crack, and then waited to hear footsteps coming up the stairs.

The door to the bedroom creaked open, and she heard heavy footsteps moving throughout her bedroom. She took a deep breath and then opened the bathroom door, aiming her gun at the intruder.

“You have ten seconds to get out of my damn house before I put a bullet in your ass.” she growled, placing her finger on the trigger.

“Alex?”

“James?” the brunette asked incredulously. Her husband turned around to face her, confusion written all over his face.

“What the hell?” he said. She shook her head, lowering the gun.

“Damn it James. I thought you were a burglar or something.” she sighed, walking over to the bed and shoving her gun back under her pillow. “I wasn’t expecting you home for another week or so.”

“We finished early, and I wanted to surprise you.” James replied, running a hand through his hair. “A gun in my face wasn’t quite the reaction I expected.” His wife sighed again, reaching up as if to run her hands through her own hair but then remembering the fact that she had it up.

“Well you definitely surprised me.” she said. He laughed at that before moving forward and wrapping his arms around her. Her own arms came up to encircle him as well, blowing out a silent breath as she did so. She felt incredibly guilty about her thoughts prior to his return home, but she couldn’t help it. Erin was a very, very difficult woman to forget.

“I missed you.” her husband murmured, leaning in and pressing his lips to hers. She closed her eyes, as more of an instinct than an actual reaction, and promptly began to panic internally when she realized that she didn’t feel anything anymore. His kiss didn’t ignite a fire or even a spark within her, and she found her mind wandering, something it had never done when James kissed her before.

Their marriage was anything but traditional. They had met through her father after an open and shut case the man had solved, in which James had been a witness. He was twenty four. Alex had been sixteen at the time with no desire for a relationship. But her father had apparently deemed the older man an appropriate match for his teenage daughter. Scott had approved immediately upon spending a day with the man. But that hadn’t phased Alex. She had ignored her family’s obvious attempts at setting her up and had focused on her studying. She was taking several language classes both at her high school and at a local college. She didn’t have time for romance with some man she had never seen before.

It was only when Danny had sat her down and asked her to consider at least giving the man a chance that she had relented. She’d always been closest to Danny, and as a teenager she would’ve done nearly anything he asked. Even date a man eight years older than her.

And so, her relationship with James began. He was polite, he was kind, and he was charming. But he wasn’t what she wanted. Even as a teenager she had known that she didn’t like boys as much as other girls. She admired several of the boys at the college she attended for lectures, but she also had great interest in many of the girls in her classes. Her parents were devout Catholics, so she’d never let herself dwell on those kinds of thoughts, but she knew. She knew she was different.

Nevertheless, she tried to make herself interested in James. She went out with him whenever he asked unless she had school or schoolwork. She spoke to him on the phone when he called. She responded when he kissed her.

By the time she graduated, he had proclaimed his love for her. She was intelligent far beyond her years, but the declaration had left her so speechless that the only response she could come up with had been a reciprocation. She’d been terrified at the look of joy on his face as he kissed her and had only managed to breathe slightly easier once she’d left to attend Berkeley University. She rarely saw James. He had decided to go back to school for a degree in humanitarian aid, so visits were few and far between, and the two instead spoke occasionally on the phone. But even those calls were short, not very riveting, and limited to between classes. Most of them were simple questions of how the other was doing with sentiments of luck before exams.

She spent four years seeing her “boyfriend” only during holidays when she went home. That is, until she got the call from Danny telling her that their mother was dead. She had immediately dropped all of her work and caught a plane home. Scott had called James and asked if would be able to come back to help console her, something she honestly didn’t appreciate. She didn’t want to pretend for them while trying to grieve her mother. She’d pushed him away, ignoring the hurt she saw on his face every time she did it.

Things only got worse after the funeral. He’d proposed to her a few days after they’d buried Anna, the day Alex had been set to go back to her college, and the young woman had blown up, yelling and screaming at him until her throat was sore. She told him she’d only gone out with him to get the boys off her back and that she just wanted to be left alone. Then she’d turned her fury on her family, screaming that she wished they’d stay out of her life and her business. She’d fled her father’s house and flown back to California without saying another word to any of them.

Danny had been the one to call and talk her down. She’d cried to him over the phone for hours, relaying how much she was hurting from Anna’s death and that she hadn’t meant to get so upset at the house. He begged her to speak to Damon, Scott, and James, and true to her nature, she did as her brother asked. She’d lied and said she hadn’t meant any of what she’d said and that she was just aiming to hurt because she was hurt.

She’d accepted James’s proposal two days later. They remained engaged while she enrolled in the FBI training academy. It was then that she met Erin. The blonde was four years older and helping train the potential new recruits. Alex had been instantly drawn to the other for reasons she refused to acknowledge. She’d spent the first couple of weeks just trying to get to know her, and by the time she had graduated the academy, they were best friends. The blonde had been an exceptional agent, recruited at the age of twenty four. She’d apparently been doing an exceptional job as well because she was already set to be Unit Chief of the behavioral analysis unit when Alex first arrived. After graduating at only twenty four as well, the brunette had found out that the FBI Headquarters in D.C. had seen her records and requested her specifically for the BAU.

She managed to postpone her actual wedding for another two years as she started her career in the FBI with Erin by her side. But as usual, her family had to insert themselves into her personal life, and Damon called her asking why she continued to make James wait to get married. She said she was busy with work, and he’d told her she needed to make time for her fiance. She hung up on him mid-sentence.

Scott had been the next to call, asking what was going on between her and Damon and her and James. She’d started getting more and more irritated during that call, telling him in some not so polite terms to mind his own business.

And then of course, they’d sent Danny after her, metaphorically speaking. He was patient as she ranted and raved about people interfering in her life and then had calmly asked her to just tell James why she wanted to wait. She couldn’t identify a valid reason in her mind that wouldn’t involve telling them all that she really had meant what she’d said after Anna’s funeral, and so her wedding date was set for two weeks after Danny’s call.

It was a modest affair in the church Anna’s funeral had taken place in, and she had asked Erin to be her maid of honor. She was married within the space of three hours. The honeymoon lasted only a few days, and she was back to work where Erin announced her own engagement. Alex refused to acknowledge the disappointment the news brought and congratulated the blonde.

Erin’s wedding to her fiance Alan took place a few months later with Alex as the matron of honor. The blonde’s honeymoon had lasted longer than Alex’s, but when she came, Erin seemed happier to see her than she had to see her husband on their wedding day. The blonde was promoted to Unit Chief within the first two weeks after her return.

The team worked well together with Erin as Unit Chief for about eight years. Alex was named a Supervisory Special Agent at thirty four after playing a major role in solving the Unabomber case. It was after that case that Erin was once again promoted, this time to Section Chief. Four years later, Alex was shot during the apprehension of a suspect and put in the hospital for a week. James had long since joined Doctors Without Borders and hadn’t heard about the shooting in time to make it home from overseas.

Erin, however, was at her side for the majority of her time in the hospital, namely during the first three days when she was unconscious. The blonde had rambled in worry as soon as the linguist awoke, silenced only when Alex impulsively kissed her. The brunette had looked at the other woman in shock, opening her mouth to apologize, but Erin hadn’t given her the chance as she initiated another, longer, kiss.

Their relationship lasted eleven months. Things were tense during the Amerithrax case, with agents working double time trying to catch the UNSUB. She and Erin had very little time to spend together, and when they were alone together, they were both more focused on work than each other. It was only when the two were working to decipher some of the documents found by the team that a suspect was identified. Erin wanted him arrested immediately, Alex had her doubts, which she tried to express to the blonde. It  _ seemed _ open and shut by that point, but the motives made no sense, nor did the supposed opportunity. But Erin had insisted, going so far as to play the rank card, which led to a fight and subsequently, an order sent to the other members of the team at the time to arrest the man.

It was only after the arrest that both women realized they had misread the documents during their investigation. The higher ups assumed Alex had gone over them alone, being the linguists expert that she was, and Erin didn’t correct them. Alex thought about doing so herself but came to the conclusion that it would only be perceived as trying to save herself from consequence. She was demoted, along with several other agents involved, in front of the entire unit, including her blonde lover. She was ordered to pack up her belongings and turn her badge and gun in by the end of the week.

After that she went to great lengths not to be alone with Erin, professionally or otherwise. It was only when her final day in the unit arrived that she made the decision to visit the other woman. She knew for a fact that Alan and his and Erin’s children were away on a retreat of some sort, so she went to the house she knew quite well and banged on the front door, intent on letting the blonde know just how angry she really was.

They started out with a lot of screaming at one another, a fight worse than any fight they’d ever had before. Alex said words she’d never dreamed of saying to anyone, let alone to  _ her _ . They ended up angrily falling into bed together, followed by Alex’s declaration that she would never forgive the blonde. She got dressed, threw her badge and gun onto her now ex-lover’s bedside table, and stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind her.

She hadn’t seen the other woman again until her return to the BAU.

“Honey?” James’s voice finally brought her back from the trip down memory lane, and she looked at him in confusion.

“Huh?” she asked.

“I asked why you’re so dressed up.” her husband repeated, his brow furrowed in worry.

“Oh. I’m sorry, I got a little lost in my thoughts. I was going out to dinner with a friend.” she answered, shaking her head slightly. “But I’ll call and cancel.”

“No, no, it’s okay honey. You were right last time I came home. You shouldn’t have to drop everything just because I came home.” her husband denied, cupping her face and kissing her forehead. “You go on and have fun. Which friend are you meeting?” The brunette winced, knowing he wasn’t going to like this. She had told him all about what Erin had done to her back then, obviously leaving out their affair, and he hadn’t taken it any better than she had.

“Erin....” she muttered, hating the look in his eyes at the mention of the blonde.

“Erin? As in Erin Strauss? The bitch that got you demoted?” James scowled.

“ _ Hey _ !” she said sharply. “That is unnecessary.”

“Well it’s true Alex! She let you take the blame for something that was her fault, and you got demoted because of it. Do you not remember everything you said about her? Is all of that just over now?”

“Yes! For God’s sake James, I have been miserable because I’ve been holding onto my anger towards her. Letting it go has made it so much easier to breathe every day because I don’t have to put in effort to avoid her or glare at her every time I see her.” It wasn’t a complete lie. The anger  _ was _ gone, and it did make her life easier. But her misery remained in a corner of her mind no matter how hard she tried to ignore it, and it had nothing to do with a demotion. “You liked her before. Just give her another chance.”

_ Take your own advice. _ The voice that she had come to associate with her heart whispered, though she pushed that thought away as soon as it appeared. There was no way she could get involved with Erin that way again.

“Yeah, I liked her before she stabbed you in the back.” James snapped.

“She is trying to make amends, damn it! She told her bosses yesterday about her part in Amerithrax, and she’s been put on temporary suspension because of it! And you know what? I’ve forgiven her. You don’t have to, and you don’t have to agree with my decisions, but you damn well better respect them.” Alex snapped back. She grabbed her bag off of the bed and left the room, ignoring her husband’s call of her name. At that point, she didn’t care that he was angry.

Erin was waiting for her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually managed to make this one slightly longer than the other chapters. Yay me! Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Sorry the dinner date didn’t make it in, but I just wanted to go into the background a little. I actually kind of like that there is so little information about Erin/Alex/James’s history because it gives me the opportunity to take as many liberties with their stories as I want.
> 
> Also, for the ages, I went off of the actors/actresses that played the characters, so I hope that isn’t too confusing.


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